Ensign Jones and the Orange Juice

Having recently written about my recurring character, Sam Jones, I thought it would be fun to share some excerpts featuring Jones from a very old Star Trek story I wrote.  This was a long Star Trek serial, and Jones frequently appeared as a supporting character.  It leaned toward a parody, so sometimes very odd things happened–often to Jones.

If you’re not familiar with Star Trek, all you really need to know here is that Kirk is the captain of the Enterprise, Spock is the eternally calm Vulcan first officer, Jones is a security guard aboard said-Enterprise, the Klingons are the villains, and the replicators are these fairly awesome machines you can walk up to and request food, and it’ll appear.  At least, that’s how it’s supposed to work…

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           It was coming on towards ship’s night, and the Mess Hall was deserted as Ensign Jones walked over to the replicators to order his drink.

            “Orange juice, please.”

            “Specify quantity,” the computer said crisply.

            Jones shrugged.  “Oh, lots of orange juice, lots and lots.”

            Orange juice began gushing out of the replicators at an alarming rate.  And kept gushing.  And gushing and gushing and gushing.  Jones began to feel alarmed, as the orange juice spread rapidly across the floor.

Continue reading “Ensign Jones and the Orange Juice”

Tribute to That Man in the Red Shirt

Today I decided to write a bit about one of my favorites of the characters I’ve created.  In some ways, he’s the least important–but only because he’s written to be that way.

Richard Samuel Jones is one of my earliest, longest enduring and certainly most suffering characters.

It began when I wrote Star Trek fanfiction.  For those not familiar with Star Trek, there’s a concept among Trek fans of a redshirt.  You see, the redshirts are the men who beam down to the planet with Captain Kirk and don’t come back.  It’s very typical on the original series for Kirk, several regular characters, and one or two crewmembers no one has seen before to beam into a dangerous situation.  Three guesses which one is going to get killed.  Both according to legend and according to statistics, the man who gets killed will most often be wearing red.  (This actually makes sense–security guards aboard the Enterprise wear red uniforms, and it’s logical to bring them into dangerous situations.)

In my Star Trek stories, Jones was my redshirt.  I never killed him off (because that would end the story) but whenever I needed something dreadful to happen, it would happen to Jones.  That sounds awful, but it might help to note that I don’t write bloody stories.  So usually Jones would end up attacked by carnivorous plants, or swept away in a flood of orange juice when the food replicators malfunctioned, or turned invisible when chemical beakers fell on him.

Jones is the quintessential redshirt.  He’s nondescript in every physical appearance.  He’s clumsy, hapless, and prone to accidents, of course, as well as nervous and beset by large numbers of phobias.  He is eternally well-meaning, and, though pessimistic in the moment, generally optimistic in his larger world-view.

His full name is Richard Samuel Jones.  Jones because it’s the nondescript, common sort of name you’d expect a redshirt to have.  Richard Samuel because R. S. can also abbreviate to Red Shirt, and because Sam Jones (which he goes by) is another very nondescript and common name.  Obviously I over-thought this!

I put a lot of Star Trek stories up on Fanfiction.net, and Jones actually became quite popular with my readers.  I think the haplessness was endearing.  I got attached to him too.  So when I went on to write non-Trek stories, I decided to take Jones with me–he is, after all, an original character.  He stopped being a security guard aboard the Enterprise, and simply became a nondescript, hapless, well-meaning man, usually in a red shirt, who turns up with at least a cameo in all of my major writing projects.

So far, Jones has been chased by a swarm of angry rabbits near Port Royal, Jamaica for my Pirates of the Caribbean novel (it was an odd story).  He has also been a scene changer at the Paris Opera; he went with a mob below the Opera and fell into the Phantom’s torture chamber, but was pulled out unharmed.  He’s also been a pirate during the Golden Age of Piracy, sailing with Captain Red Ballantyne aboard the Ocean Rose for my original pirate novel.  Most recently, Jones has been working at the Nightingale, an inn in the magical country of Perrelda.

Sometimes when I look at my stories, I feel like they’re all really the same story, in that they all have the same themes, whether I intended it or not.  Freedom comes up a lot.  So does chasing dreams.  The People the Fairies Forget is largely about realizing that everyone, even those people in the corners of the story who are rarely paid attention to, has a story to tell too.  But I think that’s been Jones’ message all along.

So this post is for Richard Samuel Jones.  And for all those men who beamed down with Captain Kirk, and had the misfortune to not be wearing blue.

How the Klingons Stole Christmas

Once upon a time, I wrote a lot of Star Trek fanfiction.  And once upon a time, I decided it would be fun to rewrite “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” for the Star Trek universe.  So, in honor of the holiday, I’m going to be a bit geeky here, and share my retelling of the story–with respectful acknowledgement to Gene Roddenberry and Dr. Seuss, of course (two men who probably don’t come up in the same sentence all that often).

Happy Holidays to all!  And whether you celebrate Christmas or not, and whether you’re a Star Trek fan or not, I hope you get a laugh out of “How the Klingons Stole Christmas.”

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How the Klingons Stole Christmas

All the people in the Federation liked Christmas a lot,

But the Klingons on Quo’nos… the Klingons did not!

The Klingons hated the Federation, every alien race!
Now, please don’t ask why; they never stated their case.
It could be that their skull ridges affected their minds,
Or that their big boots weren’t quite the right size.
But I think the most likely reason may be,
That they had too much blood wine on a wild Klingon spree.

But,
Whatever the reason,
The wine or their boots,
The Klingons were all gathered, all in cahoots,
Planning a way, on the twenty-fourth of December,
To distress the Federation, down to every last member.
For they knew they were all preparing for their holiday toast,
And Christmas was when the Federation annoyed the Klingons the most!

Continue reading “How the Klingons Stole Christmas”