My recent explorations through the Star Trek universe on The Great Khan Adventure have reminded me of some writing I once did, long ago and far away… I don’t remember exactly when anymore, but I think it was the first year or two of high school. I decided it would be fun to spoof the Star Trek movies. Mostly I spoofed the bad ones (you know which they are), but I had some fun with The Wrath of Khan too.
I don’t claim that this is deep or insightful or even great literature (and it’s not proper screenwriting format either) but you may find it amusing… Oh, and fanfiction disclaimer, I don’t own any of the characters, etc., etc.
STAR TREK II: THE SOMEWHAT PERTURBED REACTION AND SUBSEQUENT ACTIVITIES OF KHAN
[The bridge of a starship; a young Vulcan woman named Saavik is in command]
Communications officer: We’re picking up a distress call from the Kobayashi Maru. They need help, but they’re in the Klingon neutral zone.
Saavik: Hmm. If we enter, we could very easily start an intergalactic war, with dire consequences for the entire galaxy. Logically, we should not enter. I am a Vulcan. Therefore, I should be logical. [considers] I think I’ll enter anyway.
Navigator: Klingon ships approaching.
[Battle ensues. When the smoke clears, Saavik’s ship is destroyed. Fortunately, this turns out to be just a test on the holodeck. Kirk enters through a broken wall, looking very impressive silhouetted against the light.]
Kirk: Nice work, Cadet Saavik.
Saavik: The ship blew up. Everyone died.
Kirk: Don’t worry! That was supposed to happen.
Saavik: That’s illogical. Also pretty stupid.
[Outside the holodeck]
Spock: Happy birthday, Admiral.
Kirk: What’s happy about it? I’m getting old. How am I going to be a big action hero and get the girls when I have bifocals?
Spock: Well, the logical option would be to get the laser surgery.
Kirk: Gee. Thanks.
[That evening, at Kirk’s apartment. McCoy has stopped by.]
McCoy: Happy birthday, Jim. Have some Romulan ale.
Kirk: Isn’t this illegal in the Federation?
McCoy: [evasive] Maybe. Just remember, I’m a doctor, not a smuggler. Here, I got you these too. [hands Kirk a small package]
[Kirk unwraps a pair of glasses.]
Kirk: Gee. Thanks.
McCoy: I know you like antiques.
Kirk: [grumbling] I’m starting to feel like an antique.
McCoy: Dammit, Jim! I’m a doctor, not a coroner! There’s no reason for us to treat your birthday like a funeral!
McCoy: You know what you need? You need to get back in command of the Enterprise.
Kirk: Spock’s commanding her now.
McCoy: Well, you’d better get her back, or you’re going to die of old age at forty-five!
Kirk: Maybe you’ve got a point.
McCoy: Please, Jim. The day you mix me up with Spock is the day I’m checking you into an institution.
[Shortly later, Kirk, McCoy, Sulu, and Uhura board the Enterprise for an inspection. Also aboard are Spock, as captain, Scotty, as chief engineer, and a whole lot of cadets including Saavik. The main conclusion we can draw from this inspection is that the Enterprise no longer even faintly resembles the original Enterprise.]
[Meanwhile, on Ceti Alpha V: Chekov and his new captain, Terrell, are walking through the desert in the middle of a sandstorm. Terrell is basically a nice guy, but of course, he’s not Kirk, and therefore is forbidden from being truly impressive.]
Chekov: What a rotten planet!
Terrell: You don’t think they’d use the Genesis Device on a nice planet, do you?
Chekov: Apparently not. But why a dust storm? And more to the point, why did we beam down ourselves? We could have sent some red-shirts.
Terrell: Beats me. Look, is that shelter up ahead?
[It is. They enter, and are confronted by Khan and his followers.]
Chekov: [horrified] Khan!
Khan: Hello, Mr. Chekov. I remember you.
Chekov: How can you? I wasn’t on the show at the time.
Khan: I fail to see your point.
Chekov: Maybe you’re remembering Mr. Spock…
Terrell: What are you doing here?
Khan: Plotting revenge on Captain Kirk for stranding my followers and me here twenty years ago!
Chekov: But the Admiral put you on Ceti Alpha V. This is Ceti Alpha VI.
Khan: No, it isn’t. Ceti Alpha VI exploded years ago, and Ceti Alpha V took its orbit.
Terrell: [aside to Chekov] Starfleet has thousands of scientists studying the stars and planets every day. Why didn’t we know about this?
Chekov: Same reason we didn’t send red-shirts. It’s all about the plot.
Khan: Enough! Now that you are here I can finally have my revenge! I’ve been stranded here for twenty years, with dust storms and vicious slugs who killed my wife! And worse, no McDonalds! [to flunky] You, get an eel!
[The flunky brings back an ugly, nasty looking slug.]
Khan: This gross little creature is going to climb into your ear, attach itself to your brain, and allow me to control you!
Chekov, Terrell and audience: Eww!
Khan: Oh yeah, and sooner or later, it’s gonna kill you. But until then, I will have power over you! [laughs maniacally]
[Because Khan has control of Chekov and Terrell, he is able to take over their ship, the Reliant. He has Chekov send a message to Dr. Carol Marcus, the creator of Genesis.]
Chekov: Dr. Marcus, I’ve been told to tell you that Ceti Alpha VI is a good planet to use the Genesis Device on. You’ve spent years on the device, but now we’re going to take it away from you months ahead of schedule.
Carol: [furious] You can’t do this to me! Where are you getting your authorization?
Chekov: I’m told it’s from Admiral Kirk.
Carol: Well, we’ll just see about that! I happen to be an old flame of Kirk’s! And boy is he going to hear from me about this!
[Carol sends Kirk a message and bawls him out. Kirk decides to take the Enterprise to investigate. But first, he has to go talk to Spock about taking command of the Enterprise. In Spock’s quarters:]
Kirk: Spock, I’m taking over the Enterprise, completely without authorization, based only on my higher rank. You okay with that?
Spock: [nods] Yes.
Kirk: [hasty] Don’t lie to me. Just come right out and say it if you’re upset.
Spock: I am not upset.
Kirk: [pacing] Aw come on, Spock! We’ve been friends a long time! You can tell me how you feel!
Spock: Jim, I am not upset.
Kirk: [deeply guilty] You called me Jim. You only call me Jim when you’re upset! This is terrible! I feel horrible! You know what, you can push me out an airlock! I give you permission!
Spock: For the third time, I am not at all upset. I called you Jim because the writers think I need to mellow after twenty years. Just don’t mention it to Dr. McCoy.
Kirk: [clutches head] Now I know you’re lying! Or else you’re a weird alien entity who’s taken over Spock! Because the Spock I know would never mellow!
Spock: Jim, calm down.
Kirk: [shrieks] Oh no! You called me Jim again!
Spock: [with an effort] Ji—Admiral. Obviously the writers thought I should mellow. And they obviously thought you should be more dramatic and emotional. However, now is not the time to be emotional. Save it for later. Right now, let me reiterate that I am not disturbed by your having command.
Kirk: I am unconvinced. First that you’re not upset, and second that you haven’t been possessed by a really mellow alien life form.
Spock: [sighs quietly] Logically, you are best suited for this mission. You are the far more experienced officer, and you have direct ties to Carol Marcus. Therefore, for the benefit of everyone involved, myself included, you should resume command. As I am Vulcan, I am not distressed by this idea.
Kirk: [relaxes] Oh. Well, that’s all right then. You should have said that from the beginning!
[The Enterprise is approaching Regula I, and sees the Reliant]
Kirk: Oh look, the Reliant! Isn’t Chekov on that ship?
Spock: I believe so.
Kirk: How nice, just like a reunion. Let’s fly in and say hello.
Saavik: Approaching the Reliant, sir. According to Starfleet protocol, we should raise shields.
Kirk: Nah, why bother? Not like the Reliant’s gonna fire on us. [chuckles]
Saavik: The Reliant is firing on us.
Kirk: [shocked] You’re kidding.
Saavik: I am a Vulcan. I do not kid.
McCoy: [mutters] Oh lord, there’s two of them…
Kirk: Raise shields!
Sulu: Shields are up. We’ve already been badly damaged though.
Uhura: We’re being hailed.
[Khan’s face appears on the viewscreen.]
All (except Spock and Saavik): Khan!
Khan: [laughing evilly] Yes, it is I! You thought me gone long ago but now I’m back for revenge, Kirk! I demand to know about Genesis!
Kirk: [whispered aside] Spock, do something! [to Khan] What do you want with Genesis?
Khan: Well, duh. I just said I’m after revenge.
Kirk: What makes you think we’d give you information, Khan?
Khan: Because I am Khan Noonien Singh! Genetic superman, mighty leader, former conqueror of Earth, and really great checkers player! I will take the information!
Kirk: So what? I’m James Tiberius Kirk! I have just as many names as you do! Captain of the Enterprise, famous leader, great fighter! Klingons know me and fear me! I’ve saved the galaxy!
Khan: But your ship is crippled at the moment.
Kirk: Well, you got me there. [aside; desperate] Spock…
Khan: You have two minutes, Kirk!
Kirk: We need time to find the information…nobody really understands these new-fangled computers they put in.
Khan: One minute, thirty seconds, and counting.
Spock: I believe I have something, Admiral. [keys commands into the panel]
Saavik: The Reliant’s shields have dropped.
[Khan’s jaw has dropped.]
Khan: [shocked] What?!
Spock: It was a fairly simple matter to have the computer lower the Reliant’s shields.
[They do. The Reliant is badly damaged and retreats. The bridge crew seems a bit stunned by the whole incident, particularly Kirk.]
Kirk: I don’t believe this!
Spock: It is certain none of us expected to see Khan again.
Kirk: Never mind that! He’s being macho with gray hair! How is he doing that? I want to do that! [coughs] Not that I have gray hair, of course…
McCoy: No, Jim, you have an excellent hairstylist.
Kirk: What is that supposed to imply?
McCoy: Nothing, just that your hair’s changed color a bit over the years…
Kirk: I resent that!
Spock: Perhaps we should return to the script…
Kirk: Hmph. Hairstylist…anyway, now that Khan’s back, we have an important mission! I’m not sure what he’s planning, but it seems clear that it’s up to us to save the galaxy!
Bridge crew: Again?
And the adventure continues…