My recent experience with The Great Khan Adventure reminded me of a long-ago spoof I wrote of The Wrath of Khan. Read Part One here and Part Two here. Today the adventure concludes. I do not claim to own Star Trek, any of the characters, etc.
We pick up the story shortly after Kirk’s epic shrieking to the skies. You know when I mean.
[Some time later; still down in the cave. Kirk has recovered from his momentary burst of rage. Everyone looks pretty depressed though.]
David: Well this is just great. We’re going to be stuck here forever.
Kirk: We’ll see. Meanwhile, are there any McDonalds down here? I don’t know about anybody else, but I’m starving.
McCoy: How can you think of food right now?!
Kirk: [shrugs] I’m hungry. And what good would fasting possibly do?
[McCoy rolls his eyes.]
Carol: There’s no hamburgers, but there’s enough food for a lifetime in the Genesis Cave.
Kirk: The Genesis Cave?
Carol: The cave we created with Genesis.
Kirk: I see where you got the name.
David: Come on, I’ll show you.
[David, Saavik, and McCoy exit, leaving Carol and Kirk.]
Kirk: Carol, can I talk to you?
Carol: If you must.
Kirk: Why didn’t you ever tell David I’m his father?
Audience: Wooow! Kirk’s got a son!
Carol: You ran off and left me for your career. I didn’t want him doing the same.
Kirk: Oh fine! Turn the guilt around on me!
Carol: You deserve it.
Carol: So how are you feeling?
Kirk: Old. Remind me to book an appointment with my hairstylist when we get out of this.
[Soon enough, Kirk and Carol join the others in the Genesis cave. The group spreads out a bit. Saavik wishes to speak with Kirk.]
Saavik: Admiral, I would like to discuss the Kobayashi Maru with you.
Kirk: Are you still thinking about that, Cadet?
Saavik: That is not logical. If I were not thinking about it, I would not be speaking of it.
McCoy: [laughs] After all these years of Spock, and she still got you on that one.
[Kirk just looks at him.]
McCoy: Well, you did walk into that, Jim.
Saavik: Admiral, how did you handle the Kobayashi Maru?
Kirk: Well, I…
McCoy: You are looking at the only person to ever beat the Kobayashi Maru.
Saavik: HOW? [coughs] I mean…how?
Kirk: Well, I…hacked into the computer and changed the settings.
Saavik: [stunned] You cheated!
Kirk: I changed the rules.
Saavik: You cheated!
Kirk: I received a commendation for original thinking.
Saavik: You cheated!
Kirk: No need to belabor the point. I think I’ve got it.
McCoy: No, Jim. She has the points. Two of them.
[They both give him a Look.]
McCoy: [shrugs] You couldn’t expect me to just pass that one up.
Kirk: Riiight. So. Anyone know what time it is?
Saavik: We have been here 2.000013 hours. If you like, I can carry it out another 23 decimal place—
Kirk: That’s not necessary.
McCoy: [moans] Tell me I’m not stranded with her forever.
Kirk: You’re in luck, Bones. None of us are stranded here! I’m going to call Spock.
McCoy: And Spock is going to get us out of solid rock how?
Kirk: A transporter of course.
McCoy: Which won’t have power for two days.
Kirk: [superior] On the contrary. Some regulation or other, I forget which, insists that we must communicate in code. Therefore, hours like days means that two days actually meant two hours.
McCoy: And you don’t mention these things to me?
Kirk: Nope. [flips out communicator] Kirk to Enterprise. Multiple people to beam up.
[Everyone beams out.]
[Up on the ship, things are grim. It seems that the Enterprise is partially repaired, but the Reliant is in even better shape. Don’t ask how, considering the Enterprise has Scotty, but somehow this is true. Kirk has the brilliant plan of entering the Mutara Nebula where, reasons unknown, the odds will be more even. Battle ensues. Kirk, of course, wins. Unfortunately, there’s a slight hitch. Khan, in his dying moments, successfully launches the Genesis torpedo at the Enterprise. If it hits, it will create new life. And destroy all the old life. Unfortunately, there’s an even bigger hitch. The Enterprise lost warp power, and can’t escape.]
Kirk: [into comm] Scotty, I need warp speed in three minutes, or we’re all dead!
Scotty: [over comm] Um, ye don’ mean that lit’rally, do ye?
Kirk: Scotty, I need warp power!
Scotty: I was afeared of that. The radiation flooded the chamber, and I can’t repair it!
[Spock abruptly stands up from his station and leaves the bridge. No one seems to notice.]
Kirk: Sulu, take us out on impulse!
Sulu: Aye, sir.
[David shakes his head.]
David: We’ll never make it.
Kirk: Don’t be a pessimist. No son of mine has any business being a pessimist.
David: Actually, that depends on whether the characteristic is genetic or learned. If pessimism is hereditary, you’re correct. However, if pessimism is learned behavior then there is no connection whatsoever, considering I never saw you before today.
Kirk: [blinks] If he’s my son, why does he sound like Spock?
[Down in engineering, Spock enters. Scotty, naturally, is there. Also McCoy, even though he’s a doctor not an engineer and has no business being in Engineering. Scotty seems out of it already.]
Spock: Where is the problem?
[McCoy points towards the chamber.]
McCoy: In there. The radiation levels—
[Spock, taking gloves from Scotty, starts towards the radiation chamber. McCoy, realizing what he’s doing, tries to hold him back.]
McCoy: Spock, no!
Spock: It is necessary. Besides, I have gloves.
McCoy: The radiation! You’ll be killed!
Spock: I expect so. Even despite my gloves.
McCoy: I won’t let you!
[Spock pauses and regards McCoy.]
Spock: Perhaps you are right.
[McCoy relaxes, and Spock nerve-pinches him. McCoy slumps towards the floor.]
Spock: If I survive this, I no doubt will never hear the end of this brief moment of illogic. But right now I lack time to be logical.
[Then, cryptically, he puts his hand on McCoy’s forehead.]
[Spock enters the chamber.]
[Meanwhile on the bridge, things are tense.]
Kirk: [solemn] I think this may be the end…
Sulu: Sir! We have warp power!
Kirk: Get us out of here! Fast!
[Sulu does, and they manage to escape the Genesis torpedo, which detonates behind them, into the Nebula. This will, in a very short bit of time, create a new planet. Everyone sighs with relief.]
Kirk: Looks like we survived certain death after all. Again. [taps a button] Engineering. [a moment passes] Engineering?
McCoy: [over comm] McCoy here…
[Somehow, McCoy has recovered from nerve-pinching much faster than one would expect.]
Kirk: Bones, tell Scotty he’s a miracle.
McCoy: [hollow sounding] It…wasn’t Scotty.
Kirk: Spock, then.
McCoy: Spock…he… [urgent] Jim, you better get down here.
Kirk: In a minute, Bones, I have to—
McCoy: [near frantic] No, Jim! Get down here! Run!
Kirk: [uncertain] Well…all right, I’ll—
McCoy: Stop talking! Move!
[In engineering; Kirk comes running in]
Kirk: All right, what’s the proble— [he sees Spock, still in the chamber] Spock!
[Kirk tries to rush into the chamber after him. Scotty and McCoy restrain him.]
McCoy: Jim, no!
Scotty: It’s too late…the radiation…
Kirk: Damn the radiation!
McCoy: It’s too late to help him, Jim!
[Kirk goes to the glass side of the chamber.]
Kirk: Spock! What will we do without you? We’ll lose fans by the droves!
Spock: Don’t…worry. My death…is logical.
Kirk: That doesn’t make me feel better!
Spock: Sometimes…the needs of the many…outweigh the needs…of the few. Or the one…
Spock: Live long…and prosper…Jim…
Audience: Nooooo! Spock! [sobs and wails]
[Kirk sits against the chamber wall, and looks blankly at Scotty and McCoy.]
Kirk: [stunned] He’s dead, Bones.
McCoy: I know…
[Spock’s funeral; the crew has gathered to pay their respects. Kirk is giving the eulogy.]
Kirk: [choked up] And of all the souls I have encountered in my travels, his was the most…human.
[McCoy nudges him.]
McCoy: Uh, Jim?
Kirk: Not now, Bones. This is very dramatic.
McCoy: But, Jim, about the speech—
Kirk: Please, Bones, you’re spoiling the drama in my speech.
McCoy: But, Jim, Spock wouldn’t like your panegyric!
Kirk: [blinks] My what?
Kirk: I beg your pardon, I think I know Spock, and I—
McCoy: After debating with the man for years, I can state for a fact that he wasn’t exactly proud of being human! Every time he acted human he’d get embarrassed, and then wind up even more embarrassed because he’d been embarrassed, since embarrassment is a human emotion, and emotions made him embarrassed.
Kirk: Wait, wait, you lost me somewhere…
McCoy: He wouldn’t exactly want it said at his funeral that he had a very human soul. Trust me. When it comes to Spock’s soul, I should know.
Kirk: Well now, come to think of it… Let’s rewind a bit here…
Kirk: [choked up] And of all the souls I have encountered in my travels, his was the most…Vulcan.
McCoy: [shakes head] No, Jim. You’re still not hitting it.
Kirk: No? Okay, here we go again…
Kirk: [choked up] And of all the souls I have encountered in my travels, I can say for sure he was…a great guy!
McCoy: [shrugs] It’ll work.
Kirk: Great! Hit it, Scotty.
[Scotty plays “Amazing Grace” on his bagpipes. In the background can be heard sobbing, some from the crew, mostly from the audience.]
Kirk: [saddened] Send his coffin into space.
McCoy: [muttering to himself] I have the strangest feeling this is a bad idea… [shrugs] Well, no logical reason not to send the coffin off. [He does not seem aware he has said anything odd.]
[The coffin is sent off.]
[Later, in Kirk’s quarters. The door chimes.]
Kirk: Come in.
Kirk: Oh. Hello.
David: Hello. I just wanted to tell you…after watching you fight Khan…I’m proud to be your son.
Kirk: [beams] Oh how wonderful! A bonding moment!
[They hug. An unidentified voice shrieks from above.]
Voice: [shrieks] Kodak moment!
[A hundred camera bulbs go off, blinding Kirk and David.]
[Later; the Enterprise is on its way back to Earth. Kirk and McCoy are standing on the observation deck, looking out at the stars.]
Kirk: I still can’t believe he’s gone. Life just won’t be the same without him.
McCoy: I know, Jim. But all we can do is go on.
Kirk: [solemn] Yes. It’s what Spock would have wanted. And while this is the end of the movie, somehow I don’t think it’s the end of humanity’s journey.
Audience: [grumbling] It just better not be…
[The Genesis planet: The view pans over tropical plants and flowers. Everywhere there is life. The camera comes to rest on Spock’s coffin, in an obvious bit of foreshadowing.]
Audience: Okay, so when’s the next movie?