My recent experience with The Great Khan Adventure reminded me of a long-ago spoof I wrote of The Wrath of Khan. Read Part One here. Today the adventure continues. I do not claim to own Star Trek, any of the characters, etc.
By the way, I’m much fonder of Kirk than this spoof occasionally implies…consider it lovingly poking fun!
[Upon the Enterprise‘s arrival at Regula I, all attempts to hail the scientists fail. Kirk decides he should beam down, and wants to bring McCoy, for vague reasons. Saavik insists on coming along. They board the research center, only to find the scientists are dead. They continue exploring.]
McCoy: Jim, I’m getting life signs! In this large container over here.
Kirk: Let’s open it up! Sure, it might be a trap laid by Khan, but we’ll just take that risk.
[They open the container, and find Chekov and Terrell. They seem dazed.]
Chekov: Admiral…it was Khan…
Kirk: Duh. Are you all right?
Chekov: Do I look alright?! We’ve been controlled by Khan, who took over our ship and stuck slugs in our ears! We are not alright!
Kirk: Uh…I’m sorry.
Chekov: Thank you, I appreciate the thought.
Terrell: Khan…he was on Ceti Alpha V.
Kirk: Sure, I put him there, remember?
Terrell: But we beamed to Ceti Alpha VI, which was actually Ceti Alpha V, and no one knows why we couldn’t tell the difference between Ceti Alpha V and Ceti Alpha VI, but there he was.
Kirk: Wait, wait, Ceti Alpha V was really Ceti Alpha VI, and Khan migrated from Ceti Alpha IV to Ceti Alpha VII, and—
Terrell: No, no, Ceti Alpha III…no, Ceti Alpha VI, or was it Ceti Alpha V? Maybe Ceti Alpha VII was really Ceti Alpha…oh, who cares, he was there!
Kirk: Got it. Continue.
Terrell: He controlled us, took over the ship and came here. He tortured the scientists for information, but they wouldn’t talk. He’s mad, Admiral!
Chekov: And after you!
Kirk: Gee, this is cheering. And confusing. Now…do you remember seeing Dr. Marcus? And did she seem to be dating anyone?
Terrell: I…don’t know.
Saavik: This transporter seems to be set to the interior of the planetoid.
Kirk: Let’s investigate, boldly going who knows where, even if it’s into solid rock! But first, we should call the Enterprise to check in. Because that’s what we always do. [He does.] Spock, how are the repairs?
Spock: Unfortunately, Admiral, our power is very low, and we can’t beam you up at this time.
Kirk: Rats! I guess that means we’ll be here a little while longer. How long will the repairs take?
Spock: Going by the book, two days.
Kirk: Two days?! I can’t be away from the ship that long! Not with Khan running amok!
Spock: [impassive] Hours will seem like days.
Kirk: You bet they will!
Spock: [less certain] Admiral, I don’t think you understand. Going by the book, hours will seem like days.
Kirk: By any book, hours will seem like days with Khan going wild, and—
Spock: Admiral. By the book. The book. Hours will seem like days.
Kirk: By the…ohhhh! By the book! That book! You mean…ohhhh! Got it! Hours like days! You’re a smart man, Mr. Spock.
Spock: Yes, Admiral. Thank you, Admiral.
Kirk: Well now, Spock, we think some of the scientists might have beamed down into the interior, so we’re going to investigate.
Spock: Yes, Admiral. Understood.
[Kirk puts away his communicator, and steps onto the transporter pad.]
Kirk: All right, let’s go. And let’s go boldly. To where no man has gone before! But hopefully, at least one woman went there, because if I came all the way out here and never run into Carol again, I’m not going to be happy.
[They beam out.]
[They beam in. They are in a cavern filled with boxes. Suddenly David Marcus, Carol’s son, jumps out and tackles Kirk. They fight. Everyone else watches, for some reason not feeling inclined to get involved.]
David: You, Admiral Kirk! You caused all our problems!
Kirk: It wasn’t me!
Kirk: Tell me where Dr. Marcus is!
David: I am Dr. Marcus!
Kirk: [stunned] You’re David? I’ve really got to keep up with these old fla—
[David hits him. Carol comes running out to break up the fight.]
Carol: Stop it, you two! You can’t kill each other!
David and Kirk: Why not?!
Carol: Because Jim has to be alive for five more movies!
David: [sullen] But he caused—
Carol: We don’t know that. Not yet.
Kirk: Thank you for the strong vote of confidence there. Is everybody all right?
Carol: We’re fine. Those of us who escaped Khan, that is.
Kirk: Yes, that was tragic. So, dating anyone?
Carol: Excuse me?
Saavik: Perhaps you could tell us about Genesis…
Kirk: Of course. Carol, can you tell us about Genesis, please?
Carol: Well, Genesis creates life out of lifelessness, the beginning of something new, taking nothing and—
Kirk: I meant the device, not the biblical chapter.
Carol: I’m talking about the device.
Kirk: Whoops. So Genesis creates life out of lifelessness.
Carol: And whips up some great fudge sundaes, but we don’t usually talk about that. Point is, we launch the Genesis torpedo at a planet, it destroys whatever’s there, and creates new life in its place.
Saavik: The device?
Kirk: No, the fact that I ever managed to date a girl this smart! I don’t know how I pulled it off!
Carol: [mutters] I’m sure I don’t know.
Kirk: And Khan’s after Genesis. This could be difficult.
Terrell: More difficult than you realize, Admiral.
[Terrell and Chekov pull out phasers and aim them at the Starfleet officers.]
Kirk: What are you doing?!
Chekov: Well, duh. We’re trying to kill you. But since we’re both basically nice people, you can pretty well assume this is all Khan’s fault.
[Terrell calls Khan via a communicator on his wrist.]
Terrell: We have control of the situation.
Kahn: [over comm] Good. Now…kill Kirk.
[Terrell raises his phaser towards Kirk, but pauses.]
Terrell: [straining] It is…difficult…I don’t know why, the target’s big enough, but…
Khan: Kill him!
[Struggling, Terrell turns the phaser on himself and is vaporized.]
Kirk: Wow. I had no idea our special effects were that good!
[Chekov shrieks, and falls to the floor, writhing. A small slug crawls out of his ear.]
[Kirk steps on the slug. It dies. Chekov is basically okay.]
Kirk: Now to settle with Khan. [picks up communicator] Khan, I want a word with you!
Khan: No! You are dead!
Kirk: If I was dead, would I be talking?!
Khan: Hmm. I think I will cover up my inability to kill you by deciding to cause you mental anguish instead.
Kirk: Can we talk about this?
Khan: No! I shall leave you here…to be buried alive for the rest of your miserable life! As you left me! But before we leave…
[The Genesis torpedo is beamed up by Khan.]
Carol and David: No!
Khan: Now I will leave, to conquer the galaxy! While you sit there, know that I am destroying your precious ship, and your whole precious Federation! Good-bye, Admiral Kirk! [evil laughter, cut off as transmission ends]
Saavik: [in a low voice to McCoy] Why is he shouting? Khan cannot possibly hear him.
McCoy: [also in low voice] He’s venting. Be glad he’s doing it harmlessly.
Saavik: It is not logical.
McCoy: Jim rarely is.
And the adventure continues in one more part, in two weeks!